How many is too many?

In situations where a child’s parents have separated, and both their parents are still living, the majority of the time these children are heartbroken and still love both of their parents dearly. They dream and wish that their parents would get back together. When a new partner is introduced, children can have a big reaction to this, which may be very obvious in their behaviour in the form of verbalising such as “I don’t like you” or “ You are not my parent”. Or it may be less obvious in their behaviour such as passive aggressive behaviour of ignoring the new parent or purposefully antagonising them. When the new partner wants to take on a parental role, and children are reacting against this, the reaction can cause the new partner to be angry and judgemental of both the child and the parenting they have received to date. In reality, when children have 2 living parents, they generally perceive that they do not need any more parents, and that two was enough.

Circling back around to previous blog (1), if the new partner is ever to receive the status of parent from the child, this is a relationship the takes extensive time, space and ongoing communication and compassion between the adults involved.

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Time and space are key ingredients.

When in the throes of new love, people often want to move quickly and often move in together too quickly. However the complexity involved in blending people’s lives who are connected by 1° of separation (such as being my partner’s child, or my dad’s girlfriend) means that they require lots of time and as much physical space as possible to help them get used to the transition. Children can often be emotionally confused and conflicted and need their parent’s reassurance and time to support them in embracing their new life (which they often do not). If children are only seeing their parents on scheduled visiting times and this time is also being shared with a new partner, it can lead to a lot of heartache for children, the feeling of rejection, jealousy and anger. If the co-partner is trying their best to get along with the child, which is often interpreted as being overbearing or being intrusive on the parent-child relationship, this makes the space very claustrophobic turning the situation into a pressure cooker. Time and space allow for some of the built up steam to blow off.

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Know your role.

Due to traditional gender roles (which are still very much hard-wired into society), it is often assumed that a female entering into a blended family situation, or taking on a partner’s children will automatically wish to take on a mothering role.

This is an assumption and it is key to discuss and communicate around this point time and time again. When adults are not aware of what their role is, it can be highly stress inducing for the adult as they try to navigate the unknown territory of parenting somebody else’s child, or somebody parenting their child. Many things come under this heading of what is my role, such as who is choosing what they eat, making their food and feeding the children. Food and eating practices are very personal and can be a major bone of contention for any family. Family chores such as who washes the clothes, who tidies up after the children or do they tidy up themselves. These can be issues with moving goalposts in traditional family units and where there is grey areas related to these topics, it can then become an issue to be disciplined, leading to who is disciplining the children and do the co-parenting adults have the authority to do so?

Again clear communication is necessary regarding whose role is what, and what is the protocol for the adults when they find themselves in a place of conflict with their step child. Overstepping the mark here is a recipe for disaster. As much as possible, know what your role is and what it isn’t and keep talking about it.

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Don’t push your agenda on others.

The two adults involved as the parents in the blended family, will generally be motivated to blend their lives and their families, by their love for each other. This is an adult agenda and the adults may wish that the children involved will love their partner as much as they do. This can result in the adults pushing their agenda on the children, and any situation that has pushed generally results in a pushback. It is all too common for the adults to assume that the new family unit can quickly be a happy one, one that spends time together and learns to love and respect and count on one another. This does not happen overnight, this does not happen in a year, nor 2 or even 5 years. It can take an extremely long time for children to get used to a new adult in their lives who has a large influence over their parent, particularly if the children still have both of their parents alive. Having two parents can be challenging enough for children, let alone having a third or even fourth. Take your time, don’t push your agenda.

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In some situations, one adult in the relationship has children and the other doesn’t, until they have a child together. Other situations see both adults having children and two already established family units having to blend. Some families see one adult having a number of children with as many other parents and the children have a number of half-siblings.

Where people live, and who lives with who will vary depending on the situation and the reasons for the family of origin not being a unit will be different, delicate and often fuelled with a lot of unprocessed and undiscussed emotion, which will all in turn influence the dynamic of the new blended family.

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