I need this if:

My child or student wants to understand more about themselves, and how to be their own advocate.

This can help if:

Why is this useful:

Suggestion for how to use this:

How to access this resource:

You can purchase the book “Standing up for myself’ written by Evaleen Whelton for 23.50 and there is also a short video on the book at :

https://konfidentkidz.ie/product/standing-up-formyself-book/

PDF Infograhic : https://www.sycamorepsychology.ie/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Top-Tip-Helping-my-childstudent-to-stand-up-for-themselves.pdf

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Let’s Talk About It

Sharenting refers to the frequent use of social media for sharing information about ones child or their images in photos. Parents in the UK post nearly 200 photos of their under 5s online every year, meaning a child will feature in around 1,000 online photos before their fifth birthday.

There are concerns, both from some adults and children, about how sharenting can have negative consequences for youngsters such as cyberbullying, a negative digital footprint, identify theft, pedophilia and children’s mental health problems.

Some countries have begun regulating sharenting such as in France, parents can be jailed and fined if their children choose to sue them for breaching privacy and some reports indicate fines of up to €45,000.

Children can have different reactions to sharenting. Microsoft released the results of an internet safety study of 12,500 teens across 25 countries. Of the teens surveyed, 42 percent said they were distressed about how much their parents “sharented” online, with 11 percent of them believing it was a “big problem” in their lives. Another study involving Estonian children aged nine to 13, she found that children liked “parents sharing positive things about them”, but that “there were big discrepancies between what children and parents considered to be nice photos”. The University of Washington and  University of Michigan studied 249 parent-child pairs across 40 states and found that while children ages 10 to 17 “were really concerned” about the ways parents shared their children’s lives online, their parents were far less worried. About three times more children than parents thought there should be rules about what parents shared on social media.

Some children have expressed that they feel parents sharing their information is a breach of privacy and that their youth is an intimate thing not to be shared publicly. Others felt betrayed and utterly embarrassed, some felt unsafe and that companies have their data. A 16-yr-old in Italy won a court case against his mother who constantly posted photos of him on Facebook.

The take-home message here is that parents do not have automatic consent or permission to share information and images of their children, irrespective of their age because the children grow up and they need to have a life of their own and an identity of their own, which they have a right to craft themselves.  It’s traumatic and an invasion of their privacy to already have been made objects for public viewing,  in many cases before they could even speak.

Resource:

https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2016/09/16/18-year-old-sues-parents-posting-baby-pictures-facebook/90479402/

https://www.theguardian.com/sustainable-business/2016/may/08/children-sue-parents-facebook-post-baby-photos-privacy

https://archive.nytimes.com/well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/03/08/dont-post-about-me-on-social-media-children-say/?_r=0

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/facebook-fines-woman-son-photos-post-social-media-court-italy-rome-a8155361.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2020/05/27/an-oversharing-grandmas-court-case-offers-lessons-setting-boundaries-kids-online-privacy/

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-47722427

https://www.odditycentral.com/news/16-year-old-takes-mother-to-court-for-posting-photos-of-him-on-facebook.html

https://www.aljazeera.com/features/2020/10/11/facing-the-music-the-parents-who-share-too-much

Let’s Talk About It

Do you post pictures of your children on social media?

What do you think about sharenting?

I need this if:

I want to talk to my child about private parts or introduce this topic as part of a larger conversation about consent.

This can help if:

They have autism and they are 4 to 7 years old

Why is this useful:

It gives parents a way to bring up this conversation with their children. The accompanying video linked below is also very child-friendly.

Suggestion for how to use this:

Read the handout on the right and discuss its content with your child. Show them the ‘Pantosaurus’ song and discuss the same points.

How to access this resource:

The information on the right has been adapted from the NSPCC’s guidelines for talking about private parts with children who have autism.

The number included on the document is for the ISPCC’s Childline service.

There is also a child-friendly ‘Pantosaurus’ song on YouTube to support your child’s understanding: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lL07JOGU5o

PDF Infograhic : https://www.sycamorepsychology.ie/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Top-Tip-Talking-to-your-child-about-private-parts.pdf 

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Let’s Talk About It

Do you find information and resources like this makes it easier to talk to your children about these kind of topics? 

When referring to intimate body parts, the best idea is to use the accurate names of the body parts when talking with children so they know there are formal words for these body parts and so they don’t always use slang and/or derogatory words for their and other’s body parts. I generally practice a mix such as penis and willy and breasts or boobies. 

 This discussion on who can touch my body and where, should be continuous, open and ideally, be freely discussed as part of your conversations at home

This resource for young children, aged 3-5 year olds addresses private parts and consent.
‘Pantosaurus’ song on YouTube

Parents often wonder why their children don’t want to come and speak to them when they are in their teens about boyfriends, girlfriends, sex, porn etc. If there has never been a space created for unjudgmental conversations about sex and intimacy related topics then they don’t know how to do it or what to say because they have never done it before. The adult must create that space by talking about these things early and communicating to the child that they are relaxed with the topics; they don’t get embarrassed; and they won’t judge them and make them feel shame around these topics. The adult must model what they want to see in their children.

These topics make so many adults nervous and embarrassed, however not discussing them leaves our young people vulnerable and disempowered in a highly sexualised world. They can get information elsewhere but evidence tells us that alternative sources include school-based teaching which is rarely adequate; their friends, the Internet and pornography. Unreliable sources means unreliable information which can lead to unpleasant and non-consenting or coercive intimate experiences which can have a long lasting effect on their sexual development and mental health. These undesirable outcomes can be minimised or avoided by conversations initiated by the adults who love and care for them.

Talk soon-talk often is an excellent tool to support parents having conversations with their children about sex and relationships between the ages of 0 to 18. 

Future blogs will focus on our young people and their access to and use of pornography

Resource :
Pantosaurus Video  https://www.youtube.com/watch?%20v=-lL07JOGU5o/
Talk Soon – Talk Often Website https://tsto.gdhr.wa.gov.au 

Let’s Talk About It

Do you find it difficult to have these conversations with your kids?

Teach consent early

Consent is a buzz word we hear all the time. I’m going to explain what it is and why it’s important for you, the parent to know what it is.

What does Consent mean?

Consent is a when we give permission for something to happen or we are in agreement to do something.

When does teaching consent start and how do I teach it?

The word consent has become very much part of conversations related to intimacy and sex, which generally relates to young people who are in adolescence and older. Intimacy and sex are already charged topics and if you the parent are trying to engage in a conversation with your child about sex and intimacy, sidestepping into a conversation about consent can make it all the more challenging. However if the topic of consent is something that has already been addressed with your young person then the conversation around sex and intimacy should progress more smoothly. If we are talking about and practicing consent in other, less charged but equally important areas then we are in a better position to find our voice when we need it to ensure our young person’s personal safety and choice when in an intimate engagement.

 Consent starts when children are very small but still relates to the areas of personal boundaries.  Our children are individuals, separate from their parents. They have their rights just as adults do. We need to listen to our children when they say “No I don’t want to kiss you” (or my aunt who smells of rose water). In situations such as, being with family members who wish to show affection to your child, give the child options of how to socially engage, such as “You a give them a kiss or a high 5”. When they are very young, their brains are forming all the templates for expected social interactions as well as their sense of themselves, who they are and what their own (later established) values are, it all starts here.

 When they are very young, they will do what you say so empower them to have control over what happens to their bodies and to listen to what their internal drives communicate such as “I don’t want to be close to that person” .

 As they get older (from early primary school) we now need to teach them about respect. If their boundaries have been respected, they are more likely to respect others’ physical boundaries. They still need to be taught this and it needs to be reinforced constantly. Where there are siblings who are bickering and picking on one another, once it gets physical and one party says “Stop”, children should be instructed and complimented for stopping when requested.

 Let’s get somethings straight, making children and young people aware of what consent is and when it is needed is not going to make them jump into bed when the first chance presents itself. That’s like saying teaching someone to drive means they will joyride as soon as they are behind the wheel of a car. You’ll agree that’s ridiculous!? Instead, this knowledge will make them more aware, cautious drivers. Teaching them about consent is no different.

My son is now six and since he was really tiny, before he could speak I practiced the following :

• No kissing of any family member or friends without his consent. Options were given for kiss or high 5. He chose NEVER to kiss anyone only myself and his dad and only in the past year has he begun to kiss my mother (initially she was horrified I was demanding this but I think she sees the sense in it now)
• From when he was 1, when I was changing his nappy, putting on cream on his body or doing anything to his body I told him “ I need to change your nappy now” or “I am putting sun-cream on your face”. This makes the child aware that something is happening, they can prepare their body to be touched and it is not a surprise.
• As soon as he was learning to use the big toilet he was left alone and told “You need your privacy”. He could not even say the word privacy at the time but he sure can now. 
• When he touched my breasts in public when he was under 3 and then also in private when over 3, I gently communicated that was a private part of my body and that he didn’t have my permission to touch it. When he said I don’t understand (the word permission) I waved my finger and said “Mammy says no touching my breasts” . Rules around private parts should be hard and clear and reinforced often, every time they naturally come up in conversation and then some more.

Let’s Talk About It

Have you found it tricky or difficult teaching your children consent?