This is a story to support children in identifying and navigating the emotions that coincide with hearing their parents arguing. It aims to inform children that they have a voice and can communicate it. It was inspired by typical arguments that arise in my own and others home and the story has facilitated my son to comment when he hears arguing, creating awareness for the adults of the impact of their behaviour on their young children.

There was a great land not far from here that was ruled by a great dinosaur Queen and King. They took great care of all the kingdom and were loved and respected by all those who lived there. The King and Queen had a little doggie called Biscuit, and Biscuit stayed close by the Queen and King day and night. Biscuit liked to play in the garden and when he was there, he could hear the Queen and King laughing and talking and he could see them cuddling and helping one another. The Queen and King were great friends

One lovely sunny day, the Queen, the king and Biscuit went walking together in the forest, when suddenly the King and Queen began roaring at one another. The king had an angry roar and the Queen had an annoyed roar. Biscuit felt scared-he didn’t like the loud roaring but he stayed quiet and made himself really small. The three of them continued walking and soon the roaring turned to silence. Everything in the forest was really really quiet and that didn’t feel right either.

The Queen and King were usually great friends but now they were not friends at all. Biscuit didn’t know what to do. They had brought a picnic and so they all stopped walking and began setting up the picnic. The queen wouldn’t look at anyone and the king stomped around with his big feet. Biscuit went off for a little sniff by himself. Biscuit knew this part of the forest well and he ran to where his friend Oakie, a huge old oak tree stood and he lay down beside her. Oakie said “Hello little Biscuit, you look worried, are you ok?” Biscuit said “The King and Queen are roaring at one another and I don’t like it.” ”Oh, they are having an argument” Oakie said. Biscuit nodded his head to say yes and told Oakie that when they fight, everything goes really loud for a while and afterwards it’s really really quiet for a longer time. Oakie listened carefully as Biscuit talked about his beloved Queen and King not getting along and then when Biscuit was finished, Oakie told him “I’m very proud of you for using your words to talk about what is giving you big feelings of worry and sadness” Oakie continued “When you use your words to talk about these big feelings, it can help you feel better.” Biscuit thought about what Oakie said and Biscuit announced “I do feel better”. Biscuit then heard the Queen calling “Let’s go Biscuit”. Oakie wrapped his branches around Biscuit and they shared a lovely hug and then Biscuit ran off to join the Queen and King. They were laughing and talking like good friends.

A few weeks later , Biscuit was playing in the garden again when he heard the Queen and King roaring at one another. He felt scared but this time he decided he wasn’t going to stay quiet. He walked straight up to the Queen and King and shouted as loud as he could “STOP”. The Queen and King stopped immediately and they looked at one another in surprise. They said to one another “Let’s sort this out by remembering we are friends and we can talk about our problem to find a solution.” Biscuit felt strong for using his words.
Biscuit, the Queen and the King now understood that words are very powerful and that talking calmly can help people be friends and feel better. Later they all went to have some ice-cream together and talked and laughed and had lots of fun.

How to access this resource:

PDF Infograhic : https://www.sycamorepsychology.ie/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/Oakies-wise-words-1-1.pdf 

Let’s Talk About It

Let us know how your children responded to Oakie’s wise words.

Therapeutic stories are stories for children which address a topic that can be considered as challenging for an adult to communicate to a child. Topics such as bereavement, moving house, a new baby, growing up in diverse family units, dealing with emotions, how to meditate and the list goes on. They are a great way for a parent to bring up a topic when they want to teach their child something or want to broach a conversation but are not sure where to start. These stories give both parents and children a language so they can talk about the tricky topic.

Some wonderful books to check out with your children include

Rosie’s brain by Lynda Ryden

This is a fabulous book that takes the really difficult concepts (for adults) of different parts of the brain and makes them simple and relatable so that both children and adults can understand what happens in our brains when we get emotionally out of control.

Here is the author reading the book https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuU87vmSkVE

The Red Beast by K.I. Al-Ghani.

This book was written with neuro-diverse children who find it challenging to control their anger, in mind but in my opinion, it is great to help any child (or adult) learn more about their big feeling of anger and how to manage it.

Here is a video of the book being read  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgrCDqQbgCE&t=2s

The invisible string by Patrice Karst.

This book can support children who experience separation anxiety as it uses the analogy of an invisible string that connects you to all the people you love no matter where they are, even those in heaven.

Here is a video of the book being read https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rZNTFf35Aw

Useful links

Please note: There are many beautiful books available covering many different aspects of bereavement and loss. If you are looking for one to support a child, it is best that the adult has seen the content of the book so they know that it is the right book to support the child at that particular time in their stage of grief.  Local libraries will often stock books or will order them for you. You can also check out YouTube as books are often available there, narrated with the images.

https://onefamily.ie/booklist/ One family have created a ready to use list of therapeutic stories related to separation, loss

https://rainbowsgb.org/recommended-books/ Books for supporting children through bereavement and loss

http://www.wellbeingstories.com/>   These are for 8-11 year olds that incorporate characters for different types of positive and negative thinking.  One is called William and the Worry Wart (who sometimes gets out of control to become a Panic Monster).

Each story comes with a family toolkit with lots of ideas and resources for parents and a teacher toolkit which has a wealth of activities.  

Let’s Talk About It

Have you ever tried reading your children therapeutic stories? If so, did you find it helpful?

What therapeutic stories have you used with your children? What did you find useful about them?

Focusing on helping parents to be more specific in the praise of their children.

When they do this, it is a form of coaching.

It helps children to see what skills and behaviours their parents value and want to see more of.

From a child’s perspective, they may have done 3-4 different things (in their head) and generic praise does not leave them knowing what they did well.

When we are vague and say “Well done”, “Good job” or “That’s great” or some version of these, we are not taking the opportunity to help our children learn and also as importantly to really feel successful because they know (and don’t have to guess) what they are good at.

Sentences such as these support your child to know specifically what they are doing well.

“Well done, good sitting”

“Well done, lovely manners”

“Good job, that was a very friendly thing to say”

“Excellent counting”

Let’s Talk About It

Please share some examples of specific praise you use with your children?

Parents often wonder where they children pick up the behaviours they do. Things like being messy, using bad language, being slow at doing something are the disgruntled complains of parents the world over.

More worrying for parents can be when children are overly anxious. Its not always the case, but very commonly children are replicating the behaviours they see their parents doing. We don’t always realise what we are doing, or we can see our child doing the same behaviour as the other parent but often we can’t see or believe that they may be replicating our own behaviour.

There is a psychological theory called social learning theory which basically says that children do what they see and time and time again we see it replicated in children’s behaviour.

Instead of using this message as a whip to hit yourself with and feed any internal dialogue of being a poor parent, use this information as a starting point to create awareness of your own behaviours and think of a way of you dealing with that behaviour.

Doing this will lead to change in your behaviour and then you will

1. Model something different for your child
2. Show them that there is something about yourself that does not always help you, you can make a decision to work on it.

Children see everything their parents do-you can have more control over what they see you doing. Be aware of what you do and what they see.

Let’s Talk About It

What would you like to see your children doing? Are you modelling that for them now or something different? Share your thoughts with us?

We often finish our children’s sentences for them. Sometimes we ask them a question and give them no time to answer before jumping in ourselves, presuming we know what their answer is.

They may be doing their homework, or practising their times tables and ask for help. It’s all too common to ask them a question such as “what is the first sound in the word Apple?” and give them no time to answer before saying “It’s a”. They are given no time to process the question or formulate the answer before being given the answer. Finishing our children’s sentences robs them of daily opportunity to develop their personalities , their confidence in their own ability to answer and their language abilities.

Let’s take the situation of asking them about an argument that they had with a sibling or a friend. Often we ask the question “what happened?” And when they are halfway through the sentence, we finish it for them such as

Child: “ I wanted the toy and Alex had it so….”

Adult “so you grabbed it off him!”

It may be true that they grabbed the toy but it also may not be true. However, the child will believe that you think they grabbed it because you said it.

When we finish the child’s sentence we don’t give them an opportunity to express their perspective, their opinion. This is very frustrating for the child and they may act out their frustration.

When we finish the child’s sentence, we are teaching them that we have the answers but they don’t. This reduces their self belief about answering questions.

When we finish the child’s sentence, we are not allowing them the time to process the question and plan the answer, key skills in developing confidence and ability to discuss topics and negotiate plans.

When we finish the child’s sentence, we are communicating that we are not really interested in what they have to say.

Take your time and give your child time to speak. You may be surprised by what they have to say.

Let’s Talk About It

Have you ever finished your children’s sentences for them?

Reflect on why are you finish this your children’s sentences and share your musings with us.