Know your role.

Due to traditional gender roles (which are still very much hard-wired into society), it is often assumed that a female entering into a blended family situation, or taking on a partner’s children will automatically wish to take on a mothering role.

This is an assumption and it is key to discuss and communicate around this point time and time again. When adults are not aware of what their role is, it can be highly stress inducing for the adult as they try to navigate the unknown territory of parenting somebody else’s child, or somebody parenting their child. Many things come under this heading of what is my role, such as who is choosing what they eat, making their food and feeding the children. Food and eating practices are very personal and can be a major bone of contention for any family. Family chores such as who washes the clothes, who tidies up after the children or do they tidy up themselves. These can be issues with moving goalposts in traditional family units and where there is grey areas related to these topics, it can then become an issue to be disciplined, leading to who is disciplining the children and do the co-parenting adults have the authority to do so?

Again clear communication is necessary regarding whose role is what, and what is the protocol for the adults when they find themselves in a place of conflict with their step child. Overstepping the mark here is a recipe for disaster. As much as possible, know what your role is and what it isn’t and keep talking about it.

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Don’t push your agenda on others.

The two adults involved as the parents in the blended family, will generally be motivated to blend their lives and their families, by their love for each other. This is an adult agenda and the adults may wish that the children involved will love their partner as much as they do. This can result in the adults pushing their agenda on the children, and any situation that has pushed generally results in a pushback. It is all too common for the adults to assume that the new family unit can quickly be a happy one, one that spends time together and learns to love and respect and count on one another. This does not happen overnight, this does not happen in a year, nor 2 or even 5 years. It can take an extremely long time for children to get used to a new adult in their lives who has a large influence over their parent, particularly if the children still have both of their parents alive. Having two parents can be challenging enough for children, let alone having a third or even fourth. Take your time, don’t push your agenda.

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In some situations, one adult in the relationship has children and the other doesn’t, until they have a child together. Other situations see both adults having children and two already established family units having to blend. Some families see one adult having a number of children with as many other parents and the children have a number of half-siblings.

Where people live, and who lives with who will vary depending on the situation and the reasons for the family of origin not being a unit will be different, delicate and often fuelled with a lot of unprocessed and undiscussed emotion, which will all in turn influence the dynamic of the new blended family.

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Co-parenting within a blended family can be full of highs and lows, like any family. Those who are entering, or who are already in a co-parenting relationship often seek information and advice regarding how to manage different aspects of this complex dynamic, however by the very nature of being in a blended family, every situation is individual.

Family rules, boundaries and accommodations do and should change as children become older and need to be independent and assert their own authority. Communication and compassion starts between the co-parenting adults, which will then filter down to the children, helping them see that tricky situations and conversations can be navigated and managed. Children cannot advocate for themselves, and they end up internalising big emotions that result from the adults in their lives trying to navigate as best they can, changing relationships and emotional trauma. However, children grow up and carry the imprint of their childhood with them into their own romantic relationships. This set of blogs provides some guidance on what factors need to be considered co-parenting within a blended family

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I need this if:

My child or student wants to understand more about themselves, and how to be their own advocate.

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You can purchase the book “Standing up for myself’ written by Evaleen Whelton for 23.50 and there is also a short video on the book at :

https://konfidentkidz.ie/product/standing-up-formyself-book/

PDF Infograhic : https://www.sycamorepsychology.ie/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Top-Tip-Helping-my-childstudent-to-stand-up-for-themselves.pdf

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